I used to tell myself that I should prepare myself for whatever that was gonna come on in this relationship, because I know it's bound to happen always, but have I reached the point where whatever I try doesn't even matter anymore? Cause you know why, Zurikh, I think, wait, I know, that in your eyes, I'd never be up to what you've wanted or needed.

So I shall do as you wish, I shall ' get lost '.

You know, I always tell myself to just hold on, to just swallow everything, no matter what words I'm thrown at, no matter whatever others say, no matter what others think, no matter how you view my actions as, as long as I know what the bloody hell I'm doing, and as long as I am sane enough to contain all this pain myself, I would.

Be both know, Rikh, that this thing we have between us, this relationship, turned out to mean more than we had ever guessed it to be. You know, you know that I love you so, so so much and yes, I cannot bear to lose you. Every time something happens, I kept to myself. And then you know what happened, and yes, I have learnt, I won't keep to myself anymore. If anything at all is bothering me, I will tell you. But think about it. How can I do every single thing you want of me, all at once, and when something is not right with you, you say you're not blaming me, but you are, Rikh, you are, re-analyse your words.

Well because of that, I would wholly, like to apologise to you, for every single wrongdoing I have ever committed to you.

Yes, through the years of my damned life living through fucked up useless motherfucking bastards was one of the major setbacks in my stride, and I'm so sorry that this can't even be compared to your setbacks, and I wished it would've been better for you. And just like you always say to me, ' you don't know. ' Well okay, I'll gladly take it this time, and reflect it back to you ; You don't know.

Well I am sorry if you see that I'm ' pathetic ' back then, as I am now. But really. I accept whatever you wanna say now. Cause I'm fighting this battle alone, and it's useless because you'd never let this up, so what's the use ?

" Don't hold on because of fear ", I don't hold on because I fear of losing you, damn it, I held on because I loved you, and I knew that things would lighten up, even if it seems bleak, I told you that I'd be there with you every step of the way. I know that you know I would, but what for if every time I do, you push me away, tell me to scram cause its useless ? Then what ? But now, reflecting, what for ? What for, when in the end, all I get is this ?

It takes a toll on me too, in case you didn't know that. This mind, thinks not just for you. For you, for everyone. And where does that put me ? At the bottom. But I took it, I accepted it because of what, hope. And faith.

Well fuck all that. Cause keeping things under, keeping things for me myself to feel the pain alone, so that others may get the benefits, it doesn't go anywhere. Especially with you. I keep quiet, it was wrong. I tried reasoning with you, well that was wrong too. I tried retaliating, going against, that was wrong too. I tried to just adhere, that was wrong again. I tried to support, that was wrong, yet again. I tried to be a softie, but well, that was wrong too.

Every single time you told me to leave, I wouldn't. Because I thought I could take it. Well I'm not here to tell you you're right, and that I'm giving up, but I'm just done with feeling this way. I am tired of this constant game you bring upon us, one day it's all good, and then the next day, wait no, minute, it's all turned around, and it's not. I'm exhausted of putting up with myself.

Looking back, you've always been telling me to leave. So I'll grant you your wish. I'll excuse my pathetic, weak, mute self off of your life.

Zurikh, I hope you find what you've been aimlessly searching for in life. I hope you get whatever it was that you wanted that I couldn't give. I hope you find your peace. I hope you pass your O levels with brilliant results, and get into the course that you've wanted. I wish you well, the very best.

And to you, you can say that I don't know what love is, but that's just you. I loved you, Zurikh. Right now I just need time for myself, or whatever it is that I need. I am pretty done with putting up this false pretense for everyone around me. Because it's haunting me, too. And for the record, this isn't raking up the pent up anger from the past months knowing you, but merely a confession. A flow of expressions currently felt. Just like you, the hell I don't fucking care about the public.

I really was happy loving you, Rikh. You had taught me a lot. You motivated me to such things, to things that I'd never realise I would do. And for that, I can't thank you enough. To you guys, the friends, I salute you guys for being strong, much much much stronger than me at least. Take care of him and continue doing what you do best. I was never up for it, huh. It was just those times. Blow after blow. Time after time. The same old, same old. But of course, this is my perspective, so whatever yours is, I respect it and I'd take it.

So this is how it goes, how you want it to be.

- " With greatest respect and love. "