Big girls don't cry.

Honestly.

I just need a place to pen down my feelings. I don't give a fucking shit whether you think has any concern to do with you or not, because unless it does, then you can have your say. For now, fuck off. Just fuck off.

This month, these past few weeks, have been one of the greatest 360degree turn, upside-down, fucked up, messed up, crappy shit crap of the crap. I've lost the one person I thought I had, I've lost a friend, I've lost friends, I've lost hope, I've lost my focus, I've lost confidence, I've lost emotions, I've lost tears, I've lost love, I've just lost myself.

Do you know what it feels like ? Its like, waking up on the wrong side of bed on just one fateful day, and then you go to school as per normal, doing the same thing like on any other day, but then you suddenly realise.

Your table's been shifted to the back. Around nobody familiar.

Nobody asks if you're going to recess with them.

Nobody waits on you to go off to the next lesson.

Nobody meets you after school, but not that you have any time anyway.

The same people don't act the same way.

Nobody invites you in any, not any conversations.

They laugh at you when you cry.

They whisper, they gossip, they roll their eyes.

Nobody's the same.

It's like the tables have turned. A whole other way around. And it's like a huge meteor crashed up in your face and gave you a rude awakening. That the same people whom you thought had your back, just gave up, and simply without warning.

Without reason, without care, without concern, without empathy, without anything.

It's like they deliberately try to rub it in your face, that you've been replaced, that nobody needs you anymore. Nobody gives two hoots.

And the worst part, you just can't seem to adjust or shift, because it's been the way it was before, for far too long.

Just imagine.



And you hope, and you pray each day, that something good comes along, at least an ounce of goodness that might give you that teeny bit of reason to carry on the day.

But there's sadly none.



And it sucks, it just fucking sucks, to know that even the few loved ones who are still there, can't be always there because hey, that's how it is, everyone's got their own problems.
And as much as you want to tell them that no, you're fine, just so that your loved ones can muster a smile to show that they're grateful that you're there.

I want to be able to do that, I want to find the antidote for all this heartache, for me and my loved ones, so that we all can focus on the other things that matter most,

But I've lost it.




- With whatever's left.
xoxo

Labels: at my lowest ;